Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

I'd like to start a thread where we take old jokes and make kja the punchline that he is.

Byron, Bobo and Uncle Mike were walking along one day when they noticed an office of The Guinness Book of World Records.
"Hey," said Byron, "I'm going to go in there and see if I can get the record for having Freakbanned the most people!" He walked in. A few minutes later he came back out with a big grin on his face and raised his fist in the air.
"I want a record too," Bobo cried, "I'm going in there to see if I can get the record for the fuzziest head." Sure enough after a few minutes Bobo came out with his World's Fuzziest Head certificate."
"I can't let you guys be the only ones with records. He thought about it and thought about it and finally said, "I'm going in there to see if I can get the record for the world's smallest penis." He walked in the door and was in the office for quite a while. When he walked out he had a very depressed look on his face.
"What happened?" asked Byron knowing that his pal didn't get the record.
Uncle Mike looked up at Byron and said, "Fuckin' Kevin J. Anderson."

The man has enough problems as it is, you know, actually being KJA. Lets not attack the status of manhood until we run out of KJA is a douch/idiot/hack material.

Which should happen sometime around 2085...





If you really want to go below the belt then draw all the connections between sex and writing ability

Frank Herbert:
-took his time and crafted a series that will be remembered forever
-you will always remember the first time you read Dune
-Intricate plots, delicate characters, powerful message, and a story to snuggle up with afterward
-each new book was a totally different experience leaving you satisfied and desiring more
-didn't lose his ability as he aged, if anything, he was pounding away to the very end.

KJA
-Short, disjointed chapters
-repetition after repetition, as if he's just going through the motions.
-handles a beautiful and lovely universe with hands that could be taught something by a drunk frat boy
-an experience so homely, bland and rather uninteresting that you only keep going to get to the climax, only to find that it was in the first few minutes when you were still blissfully ignorant.
-stumbles through the most basic parts of crafting a tale so badly its entertaining to watch, for everyone outside the experience.
-only genuinely enjoyable if you've never experienced anything on the level of a true master, or even a competent and semi-caring neophyte
-ultimately increases self loathing, because you realize you paid him for the experience.

Nice!

Nice, Amp!

All right let's do this!

Three explorators, Byron, Bobo and Hikin' Hack go to Africa and after hiking through 85° slopes and through blizzards, Winds blowing and sandstorms, they finally reach the fabled realm of an ancient cannibal tribe...
There they are captured and the chief of the tribe meets them and goes
insert African tribe chief accent
"You have trespassed on our sacred ground, you will have to chose between death or ounga-ounga!"

Byron goes first and fearing for his life, hesitantly goes
"I'll take ounga-ounga..."

All the tribe shouts as one man
"OUNGA OUNGA!!"
And they bend over the poor man, and then all the men from the tribe proceed to honor their guest, who falls to the ground with an expression close to what the Dune legacy would bear should it have a face(I know it's horrible)

Bobo, machinally searching for his flask, manages to murmur
"Oh my god I need a drink! Please don't kill me, I'll take ounga ounga too lord have mercy on my..."
"OUNGA OUNGA!!" went the tribe, rejoicing again in an unexpected unity.
"Rape is not that bad", he thought, "It hurts a bit at the beginning but once you get used to it it's better than dying."

And again, all the men of the tribe come back for some and there was much rejoicing(and some squealing)

Finally HH, his jaw touching the floor from what he just witnessed, decided he'd rather die than let those guys rape him, use him for their pleasure and to satisfy their monstruous egos, and when he would be spent just dump him in some hellhole somewhere!

The tribe paused a moment, taken aback for a while by that choice, look at each other for a while and turn to their chief for guidance.
He looks back at them, smiles and shouts:
"You have chosen death! Death...
By..."

"OUNGA OUNGA!!!"

Nice. It still doesn't compare to what he did to Dune though.

Ampoliros wrote:The man has enough problems as it is, you know, actually being KJA. Lets not attack the status of manhood until we run out of KJA is a douch/idiot/hack material.

Which should happen sometime around 2085...





If you really want to go below the belt then draw all the connections between sex and writing ability

Frank Herbert:
-took his time and crafted a series that will be remembered forever
-you will always remember the first time you read Dune
-Intricate plots, delicate characters, powerful message, and a story to snuggle up with afterward
-each new book was a totally different experience leaving you satisfied and desiring more
-didn't lose his ability as he aged, if anything, he was pounding away to the very end.

KJA
-Short, disjointed chapters
-repetition after repetition, as if he's just going through the motions.
-handles a beautiful and lovely universe with hands that could be taught something by a drunk frat boy
-an experience so homely, bland and rather uninteresting that you only keep going to get to the climax, only to find that it was in the first few minutes when you were still blissfully ignorant.
-stumbles through the most basic parts of crafting a tale so badly its entertaining to watch, for everyone outside the experience.
-only genuinely enjoyable if you've never experienced anything on the level of a true master, or even a competent and semi-caring neophyte
-ultimately increases self loathing, because you realize you paid him for the experience.

writing a good book is like making love to a beautiful woman...

Nekhrun wrote:Nice. It still doesn't compare to what he did to Dune though.

wow...
and me thinking maybe I went a bit too far with that joke, next time I won't show such restraint

lotek wrote:"You have chosen death! Death...
By..."

"OUNGA OUNGA!!!"

Ah, a classic.

We told it as "the U-bangi tribe." But it was the same joke

"Death! Death by U-bangi!"

BoBo ByrByr and The Hack decide to go hunting. BoBo says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So ByrByr says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So The Hack says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. BoBo and ByrByr ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

TheDukester wrote:

lotek wrote:"You have chosen death! Death...
By..."

"OUNGA OUNGA!!!"

Ah, a classic.

We told it as "the U-bangi tribe." But it was the same joke

"Death! Death by U-bangi!"

it does sound better that way(my version is a French onomatopea, so it doesn't phonetically fit in English)
thanks for the precision though

Serkanner wrote:BoBo ByrByr and The Hack decide to go hunting. BoBo says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So ByrByr says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So The Hack says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. BoBo and ByrByr ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

I see opportunity, i follow dimwit, I find franchise to milk

Byron, BoBo and KJA are driving home from some book signing or other event where mindless preeks stroked their ..... egos, when they are hit and killed by a drunk driver (I know we all wish this would happen in real life, but work with me here).

Byron is walking through heaven with St. Peter by his side as his guide. St. Peter says to Byron, "you were a pretty good guy in life for the most part, but then you really did the unthinkable and let some hack hijack your grandfather's legacy so as punishment you must live out eternity with her as your mate." He points toward a really hideous looking woman with buck teeth, sagging tits, and a drooping belly.

Dismayed, Byron sees BoBo walking toward him. St. Peter explains to Byron that BoBo was a pretty good guy in life, but then he let a hack hijack a great work of art. As BoBo gets closer, Byron notices that his mate is even uglier than Byron's. In fact, see is balding with a terrible attempt at a comb over. The two embrace and attempt to share in their mutual misery.

"Let's go find Kevin," BoBo exclaims excitedly. St. Peter takes them to Kevin and to Byron's chagrin he has a smoking hot blond on his arm as he attempts to make small talk with Heaven's other residents as they all attempt to ignore him. "I don't get it," says Byron. "I have never seen Kevin with anyone that hot in my life. And why do we get punished for letting a hack hijack Gramp's work when he's the hack?"

"Oh that," explains St. Peter. "Well you see, she was pretty good gal for the most part, but then she let some hack hijack her grandfather's work...."

That was a good one.

HBJ

KJA was hiking in the woods and he came across a bronze lamp, just like the ones you see in The Arabian Nights. So he picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie!

"In thanks for releasing me, I shall grant you 1 wish!" said the Genie. "However, you must know that my wishes are limited in their power, so all I can do really is give you a choice: I can give you fame, I can give you a clever wit, or I can give you the love of a woman and a voracious sex drive. Or there's the other option: I can give you a little of all of them."

"Oooh" said KJA, "that last one sounds best!, I'll take a little of all of them!"

And thats how we got KJA.

After looking at the pyramid disscussion I felt i needed to add this to the sex and writing correlation

Frank Herbert was subtle building to a climax and never tried to make one thing into the main event.

KJA tries to make huge events out of every small thing while completely ignoring both the keystone and the foundations of his supposed climax.

Yeah. But who can resist those smokin hawt "Come hither 'n' fuck me" eyes?

SandChigger wrote:Yeah. But who can resist those smokin hawt "Come hither 'n' fuck me" eyes?

WTF is he doing? Having a yard sale?

How much for the hiking boots?

I'm so confused... wtf is he doing in that pic. Taking a break from dictahiking?

He's posting his collection for more Geek Cred. SOrry KJA, your DVD collection is abysmally small for some one as rich as you claim to be.

Good point.

I think I may have more CDs in my car!

SandChigger wrote:

I'm really starting to think that KJA is having some sort of mid-life crisis.

Well it's about fucking time, isn't it? For him to have one, I mean.

Here's a caption for that shot:

"For a feature in next month’s issue of Prog magazine, the photographer spent many hours setting up a photo shoot of me with part of my music collection in my writing office. Since I do most of my writing outside in nature, we felt this shot was most representative."

I don't get what the shoes off and bare feet is supposed to represent.

(yawn)

SandChigger wrote:I don't get what the shoes off and bare feet is supposed to represent.

(yawn)

If you play the record backwards, you find out that KJA is dead!

SandChigger wrote:... the photographer spent many hours setting up a photo shoot of me with part of my music collection in my writing office.

Then, much like the subject, the photographer is a completely talentless hack.

That's a terrible photo. It's awkward, overly staged, and totally non-dynamic. And, yes, it makes TheKeith look like he's having a yard sale.

Seriously, is there anything that Kevin J. Anderson gets involved with that's not totally cheap and tacky?

Is thats supposed to be his CD collection? Why are they all in DVD cases? Or are those just his Music DVD's? Still...

the one thing this shot is missing is KJA hugging a vinyl record by TOOL.


1 because its perfectly ironic
&
2 KJA probably has no idea who tool is he just knows that they are musical art and he wants a piece of that pie.

Has 'becca thrown him out?