Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

A friend and I used to flip through our copy of an old Star Wars book called Han Solo's Revenge. We used to see if any sentence at random in the book could be taken as a sexual innuendo. Now I don't want to do that exactly with New Dune, but reading this from A Thing of Eternity reminded me of it.

...almost any sentence in those books could be used as an example of shoddy writing.

Let's see...

The Hacks Twain in Sandworms of Dune referring to the Butlerian Jihad wrote:They had unleashed countless atomic weapons that not only destroyed the thinking machines, but also trillions of human beings who had been held in slavery.

It works. It seems like they're constantly using hyperbole to impress the gravity of every situation. Unleashing countless atomic weapons doesn't really seem like something that would even be possible. A better use would be to say that these two unleash countless examples of how shitty their writing is.

I've got to try this again...

In House Corrino page 201 wrote:Billions upon billions are already dead, rotting out under numerous suns. Did you expect the machines just to sit back and let the Scourge take its course, without having a second phase of their plan ready?

Well, why the fuck not? They're machines! They can wait forever. I hate these stupid books.

Now I'm just getting pissy. Anyone else want to give it a shot. They have to be chosen at random, no preplanned selections of their writing.

This is more than one sentence, but EVERY word is important, EVERY ONE, dammit.

Two Hacks in Sadworms (on p. 398) wrote: Caught in the tidal wave of his own power, Paolo began to see much more than he had ever wanted to see. He witnessed every heartbeat a thousand times over, every action of every single person—every being—in the entire universe. He knew how each instant would play out from now until the end of history, and in reverse, to the beginning of time.

Mmmm...smell that ay-ROME-ee? That's the smell of well-crafted crap.

No fair, Nekh. I'd have to actually open these up to participate in this discussion.

The Hacks Twain in Sandworms of Dune referring to the Butlerian Jihad wrote:They had unleashed countless atomic weapons that not only destroyed the thinking machines, but also trillions of human beings who had been held in slavery.

Gentlemen, welcome to Write Club

First rule of Write Club is, you must know how to write.

Second rule of Write Club is, you must...know how...to WRITE!

Third rule is, brevity is our friend, pedantry is not:

They had unleashed countless atomic weapons that not only destroyed the thinking machines, but also trillions of human beings held in slavery.

Fourth rule, don't contradict yourself with florid prose:

They had unleashed a billion atomic weapons that not only destroyed the thinking machines, but also trillions of human beings held in slavery.

Fifth rule, know the vernacular of the fictional world for which you're writing:

They had unleashed a billion atomics that not only destroyed the thinking machines, but also trillions of human beings held in slavery.

Sixth rule, don't treat the reader like a moron. Trust your readers will understand the simple concepts:

They had unleashed a billion atomics that destroyed the thinking machines, and trillions of human slaves.

Seventh rule, write bias when appropriate:

They had unleashed a billion atomics that destroyed the thinking machines, and killed trillions of human slaves.

Eighth and final rule, every time a new mediocre Dune book is written by talentless hacks, a potential literary talent goes undiscovered.

orald wrote:No fair, Nekh. I'd have to actually open these up to participate in this discussion.

Yeah, but at least it's a fun new game. And all the preqs (like me ) will be able to see why just about everything they write is worthy of criticism.

Da Boys in Page 526 in Battle of Corrin wrote: Like a wave rippling across a sea, the call was repeated, louder and louder until it became a storm of shouts.

Nice mixed metaphor boys.

Great rewrites GamePlayer. I bet if someone took that much care to take that kind of treatment to all of the sentences we might actually see a glimmer of Frank's notes somewhere in there.

GamePlayer wrote:Fifth rule, know the vernacular of the fictional world for which you're writing:

All excellent, but I especially liked this one.

Eighth and final rule, every time a new mediocre Dune book is written by talentless hacks, a potential literary talent goes undiscovered.

Too true.

(Lob it at Hollywood again, too: for every crappy remake [like Dune, again?], a potentially good movie goes unmade.)

Same in the music biz. Every Theory-of-a-Nickel-Fault that gets signed takes up room that could have been occupied with artists.

GamePlayer wrote:

The Hacks Twain in Sandworms of Dune referring to the Butlerian Jihad wrote:They had unleashed countless atomic weapons that not only destroyed the thinking machines, but also trillions of human beings who had been held in slavery.

Gentlemen, welcome to Write Club

First rule of Write Club is, you must know how to write.

Second rule of Write Club is, you must...know how...to WRITE!

Third rule is, brevity is our friend, pedantry is not:

They had unleashed countless atomic weapons that not only destroyed the thinking machines, but also trillions of human beings held in slavery.

Fourth rule, don't contradict yourself with florid prose:

They had unleashed a billion atomic weapons that not only destroyed the thinking machines, but also trillions of human beings held in slavery.

Fifth rule, know the vernacular of the fictional world for which you're writing:

They had unleashed a billion atomics that not only destroyed the thinking machines, but also trillions of human beings held in slavery.

Sixth rule, don't treat the reader like a moron. Trust your readers will understand the simple concepts:

They had unleashed a billion atomics that destroyed the thinking machines, and trillions of human slaves.

Seventh rule, write bias when appropriate:

They had unleashed a billion atomics that destroyed the thinking machines, and killed trillions of human slaves.

Eighth and final rule, every time a new mediocre Dune book is written by talentless hacks, a potential literary talent goes undiscovered.

Pure Gold. Someone post it, please!

Nice work, GamePlayer.

Do I need to say that the final version of the sentence you edited is much better than the original? Not only tighter, but more effective?

HBJ

LOL Must have hit a funny bone. You're welcome all. I just wish it wasn't so damned appropriate.

just my two cents
bump

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Nekhrun wrote:Unleashing countless atomic weapons doesn't really seem like something that would even be possible.

Yeah, that's like ... a lot.

While no adult could possibly read the example you posted and not laugh out loud at the jaw-dropping lack of writing talent, it must be remembered that that's the type of shit that goes over huge with the 12-year-olds (and those whose intellectual age is about 12). Countless ... billions ... trillions ... they just eat that crap up.