Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

First things first, no this is not one of those rants that i go "Oh i hate KJA", this is an idea i had to make fun of this whole situation and an attempt to rip some laughs out of you folks. Now i would like to put some of you guys, including myself, in this but since i dont want to piss anyone off (cause apparently its angainst the law to do so) i'd like to ask the honourable or almost honorable members (those who sodomize rabbits for fun) wich of you dont mind taking a fictional role in this exclusive Jacurutu fun novel?

I want to be a cowboy.

Consider it done. Also the story will take place years in the future where the original novels have been all but forgotten and a new fan is introduced to it, Brian Herbert has disapeared and kevin plots to twist the fabric of reality itself in order to convince mankind that he is the creator of the universe. Some Jacurutu members have formed a sort of resistence/secret order and has they help the newcomer unravel the secrets of the past and discover the perils of the present, a storm begins to brew between old feuds. There will be references to the usual bickerings and made into parodies.

Can I change me mind? I want to be a pirate.

I would also like pirate. I would not like to be a cowboy though... not my style. Definitly pirate. Yarrr!

If you two are pirates then I must be a ninja. I have no quarrel with either you or the FSM.

Tleszer wrote:If you two are pirates then I must be a ninja. I have no quarrel with either you or the FSM.

I think the story should end with a deus ex machina, where all the BH/KA books are turned into urinal cakes. The ending would look something like this:

LOL i was thinking of having the spirit of Frank Herbert appearing with KJA asking "What are you doing here?" to wich FH would reply "Teaching you the meaning of irony" and transporting him into an alternate dimension. But i dont give any garantees it's the ending i'll choose Ok just a few more volunteers and i can get this thing started *starts rubing his hands*

I vote to have BH and KA killed, and their heads displayed on pike staffs. It would be a nice, warm ending, and much easier to Photoshop.

I would like to be a Waste Management Specialist, who has humorous but
perceptive insights into the mechanizations of Pirates and Ninjas.

I'd like to be a crotchety old naysayer. Think you can imagine me up like that?

I wanna be that bad dude in the movie SAW and capture KJA...

I'll torture him by reading to him some books that are repetitive crap...

Can I be Chuck Norris?

Tleszer wrote:If you two are pirates then I must be a ninja. I have no quarrel with either you or the FSM.

Wait a minute I thought Freak was the ninja dude?

Sandchigger lays dormant hibernating (he's a bug) until discovered in the future like Buck Rogers.

I want to be a librarian (aka Frank Herbert short story) so I can kick any descendents of Hypatia out of the library into the street on their ass or something like that....

Ninja Please!

Midget sex toy for cheerleaders and horny college chicks.

Thanks in advance

HoosierDaddy wrote:I vote to have BH and KA killed, and their heads displayed on pike staffs. It would be a nice, warm ending, and much easier to Photoshop.

Author head on a stick = party.

I want to be a psychotic but lovable formula-1 racing driver.

HBJ

Oooh, Buck Rogers?!

Can I have sex with Twiggy like the guy in the show used to?


"Beedaabeeedabeeeeda...Oh Buck!!!"

Phaedrus wrote:

HoosierDaddy wrote:I vote to have BH and KA killed, and their heads displayed on pike staffs. It would be a nice, warm ending, and much easier to Photoshop.

Author head on a stick = party.

Toga party.

SandChigger wrote:Oooh, Buck Rogers?!

Can I have sex with Twiggy like the guy in the show used to?


"Beedaabeeedabeeeeda...Oh Buck!!!"

You get the round philosopher. Ill take Erin Gray. Hubba x 2!

I want to be just like Hitler!

Oh, shit, ignore that...

"All rise!" - Omphalos begining speech to the paraplegic

"Oh man this is awsome! Space Monkeys of Dune is great!" said a glass wearing teenager, gleefully sharing his opinion with another half-brained friend. "How far are you in it?" asked the morbid curiosity infested mongrel.
"I've only read 120 pages but i still have 543 to go. Man, Kevin J. Anderson rules!" said the glass eyed teen who would be stoned to death and sodomised with an umbrella by the members of Jacurutu if they ever heard him say that.
Behind them walked Jarod Cunundrum, also a teenager but with a special talent that differentiated him from the rest, he couldnt give a greater shit to Kevin's novels even if their cover as bathed in gold. In fact it was rumoured that the young man was already under survailence by the HLP (Harversters of Lice and Pubes) heretical management departement.
Indeed Jarod Cunundrum was a troubled young man, philosophically questioning himself as to why he lived in an ocean of mediocrity ruled awkward shityness. His mother had beaten his father to death with a first edition copy of Sandworms of Dune when she found out her husband was actually buying those novels. Perhaps it is of no surprise that Jarod knows full well what KJA novels can do to people.
The year is...oh who gives a shit it doesnt matter to the narrative one way or another, and society is spiraling downward in a slide made of mediocracy, animal raping and plain stupidity due to the world wide selling novels of KJA. he is richer than god and more full of himself than a stuffed rakoon wearing a baseball cap and a PHD carefully inserted in his backyard located orifice. Brian Herbert is missing but no one actually gave a shit and bothered to look for him, although he'll probably reapear in some kind of deus ex moment cause frankly that's how novels now-a-days work.
Last but surelly the greatest, least i find myself tomorrow gagged and thrown off a bridge by these maniacs, is the Jacurutu members of the Forumhold, secret members of a secret organization, secretly located, secretly funded by a secret donator whose identity i'll keep a secret cause i dont want to get secretly shot in my secret face. They are the only ones secretly fighting KJA's evil influence in the world like saturday morning cartoon heroes fighting a really bad saturday morning cartoon villain.
Their warfare has extended to battlefields, secret weapon development, literary prowess, moisterizing products and daycare facilities.
That's right poor reader who has nothing to do right now than read this wanabee funny shit, the world is downright fucking itself in cold blood and it doesnt bother with foreplay.
Anyway, getting back to the narrative. As the 3 youngsters continued their forced pilgrimage to school they were interrupted by a very disturbing event. 2 goons wearing black suits were harassing a local used books owner, an old man who always treated Jarod like a grandson and also a possible police sex offender (there's rumour that he slapped his dick on the windshield of a police car, apparently in protest of a ticket).
Recognizing his old retired friend, the young man elbowed the crowd who were too busy picking their noses to help an old man: "Hey what do you fuck ups think your doing? Didn't anyone ever tell you to respect the elders?" asked Jarod with indignation. "This man was selling an illegal book claiming it to be Dune, therefore he will be taken into custody" said one of the goons.
"I know who you guys are. You're from the HLP aren't ya? You're taking him to your dungeons and torture him!" said Jarod clenching his fists. "Preposterous! And you would do well do mind your own business runt" rasped the same HLP goon.
It was more than enough to receive a tender jaw braking high kick from Jarod, sending the man sprawling to the floor. A nicely paved floor mind you! I mean if you saw the ones on my street you'd be chocking trying to grasp for a word to describe that kind of sloppy work, but i rant.
Needless to say the young man made short work of those goons (i'm not gonna waste time describing the fight, it's pointless, who do you think i am KJA?) until more of them showed up this time holding guns, you know those things that go *bam-bam* and are a possible cause for death. By then everyone had meditated for a fraction of a second and acted upon the enlightened thought of getting the fuck out of there. All except the two idiots at the beginning of the novel, they were shot because idiots always die, or at least deserve to.
But by that moment the old man had pulled Jarod inside the shop and into a secret passageway. He showed miraculous speed and strength when he pulled the youngster into the shop and now walked with haste. "If you're so fast and strong how come you didnt took care of those guys by yourself?" asked Jarod, the old man smiled and said "I had to see your capabilities."
Aprehensivly Jarod asked "Who are you?". to wich the old man stoped in his tracks turned around and removed what was nothing more than one of those face masks like in Mission Impossible. "My name is SandChigger of the Jacurutu Forumhold" he said. "You mean those guys that manage daycares?" asked Jarod. "Well that's only a small part of our business but nonetheless we have to protect the children against KJA's empire" Chigger replied. "How does slaping your dick on the windshield of a police car helps them" asked Jarod.
"Look that motherfucker asked for it! 400$ worth a fine for swering in public?! Fuck you, i said to him," said Chigger "hey if i see a KJA novel on display in some buttkissing book store it's my right to say "Aint there enough shit polluting the planet already?". I pay taxes, who the fuck do they think they are? They're lucky i didnt found out where they live and shoot them in the knee caps".
"Hey!HEY! SandChigger! Shouldnt we be going somewhere?" asked Jarod. "...Maybe...i guess...well, yeah. *sight* Come on." said Chigger finally leading the man to whatever secret place i come up with afterwards.
Dear reader, thinking that this stuff is shit? Thinking "Oh i should be doing something else in this Forum"? Well fuck it, if you had the patience to read the prequels\sequels then you can have the patience to read this, comment or sugest so bear with it. Note: If you didnt read the prequels/sequels please ignore the commentary above.

Terribly sorry guys for not showing up and updating this sooner. I've been saving baby seals and clubing hunters in the Artic, i then learned their secret language and imbarqued on an fantastic journey where we spread terror in the north pole. There we met some pinguins with tourette's syndrome that chalenged us to a contest of trivial persuit, don't know what they were thinking. Anyways suffice to say we won, ravished their females and got away with it, clubed more hunters and took classes in advanced science.
Now that that's out in the open lets get to the good part of this novelization. That's right! Pirates!

"Unkown phrase" - in the unkown chronicles of an unkown author

"GROG! GET ME MORE GROG YOU WRETCHED HEMORROID!", bellowed Freakzilla, a man known to strike fear in the oceans, seriously not even dolphins come near him.
The bar was quiet obviously since he killed everyone in it, wich is what happens whenever he gets a simple drop of grog.
"YA HEAR ME YA DOG?!", he kicked the dead waiter but he didn't respond (duh) looking around him he belowed "ANYONE 'ERE HAS THE GUTS TO GET ME MORE GROG? HEY? YOU FILTHY MONGRELS! WHY IF I HADN'N KILLED YA ALL 'READY, I'D'VE SKEWERED YA 'GAIN AN' HAD SEX WITH YAR DEAD MOTHERS!", after wich he caught sight of a mug o'grog on the table of a dead gentleman. Aproaching it he said " Do ya mind kindn'est sir if i burrowed the contents of yar mug into me inards?" and slapped him in the back. The corpse fell on the floor, a very up until now clean floor, seriously it was better than anything ever seen in a palace of yonder years. Well anyway, he replied "Well a simple yes would've sufficid..suffissned...well yar dead what do ya care"
Omphalos suddenly burst into the bar with some of the crue, "Oh for the unidentifiable vagina of Ariel the mermaid...Not again!" he said turning over a corpse of a business man "We're already being searched on five islands, man."
"I did noting wrong me matey! I simplessestly came to socil..soccil..socielizen." replied the pirate captain.
"Dammit man how many times have we discussed this? NO GROG!" said Omphalos. "GROG! GROG! GROG!" Freakzilla began to chant and smashed the mug on the previously mentioned floor.
Then came a voice booming from a squeaker (it's a new kind of shitty and scientifically ilogical device that amplifies a person's voice to the point where it can pierce walls), "Jacurutu pirates, we know your there. Come out with your hands and dicks up" there was a low mumbling in the squeaker as if someone was being corrected "Just your hands up, never mind the dicks thing it was uh...a fly..in the squeaker...it's gone now so it's just...just...your hands up" more mumbling insued "Oh and hand over the map piece. We know it's in your possession so hand it over and you wont be sodomised uh i mean raped uh HURT, THAT'S IT HURT! Yeah come out with your hands up, hand over the map piece and you wont be hurt".
"Get ready boys! It's time for me to use THE PUPPET" said Omphalos as he pulled out two wierdly coloured sock puppets.

As the Jacurutu pirates walked down the street towards their vessel, dragging their murderous drunk captain, they beheld Omphalos's dreaded destruction. Corpses layd mangled and mutilated as if a terrible beast of ancient myths set loose it's wrath; the streets were red with blood, not even the spanish tomatina left such an amount of red colour on their pavements. It was for this and much more that all Jacurutu members were considered tabu by the HLP. But for all their evil influence they had not succeded in capturing a single member of the forumhold, they continued to ilude them. As they strike from darkness, without warning, and with powerfull impact, terrible damage is layd on KJA's evil plans for domination. They are the bridge that separates this world from total insanity and presumptious mediocre shitiness.
In possetion of these dreaded pirates was an ancient map piece that according to their studies, would lead them to the true outline of Dune 7 by Frank Herbert. With it they could destroy the HLP's credibility and complete one step in their crusade to end KJA's evil reign. But evil never sleeps, even when it is constantly shiting out novels through his ghastly behind, and rumours of such map pieces being found have already reached that evil shadow that dwells with an undeserved sence of acomplishment.